Stop Talking—to Influence People, do One Simple Thing Instead, says Leadership Expert

The secret to having impact is being able to influence how others think and act. And as a leadership expert who’s studied mental strength for 30 years, I know that the No. 1 thing you can do to be more influential is something anyone can do: be a truly active listener.

Think about the people in your life who are great listeners, the ones who take the time to understand what you’re saying, to validate you, and to show they care. I’ll bet they’re tremendously influential forces in your life.

Their attentiveness means you’re probably much more inclined to believe they have your best interests at heart, to seek and take their advice, to take their input into account, and to want to help them out with anything they might need. 

When I was conducting research for my book, “The Mentally Strong Leader,” I interviewed and studied hundreds of influential people and found they embrace these three steps to actively listen. 

1. Get yourself ready to focus

Ever rush from a previous engagement or activity right into another conversation? Maybe you just got out of your last meeting of the day and you’re hurrying to meet your friendto catch up over a drink. But it’s hard to focus; your mind is still on that last meeting, and you haven’t had time to consider what your friend might need from you. 

If you’re not ready to listen to someone, they’ll likely pick up on it, just as you can tell right away when you’re talking to a friend or colleague who seems to be somewhere else mentally. 

Try this trick: Before engaging in a conversation, pause, take a breath, and picture your mind as a big chalkboard, with random words and scribbles all over it. These represent fragments of all the things that might currently be on your mind. Now picture yourself with a big eraser in your hand and imagine wiping the slate clean, eliminating distractions. 

The goal is to take a moment to clear your mind of past thoughts, so you can focus on the present and deeply listen. Nothing should have your attention other than the person in front of you. 

2. Visually show that you’re paying attention

It’s a virtuous loop: Giving signals that you’re engaged and following along requires intention. Being intentional in this way makes you listen much better. Listening better encourages you to show visible signs that you are, indeed, fully listening. 

Visible signs of listening include making eye contact and nodding at key points to indicate that you understand. You can also lean in, keep your arms uncrossed, and use statements like, “What happened then?” It shows you’re eager to hear more, more powerfully than quietly waiting for the story to continue. 

Ask clarifying questions to show that you want to understand better. And try physically matching the other person’s body language or emotions, a technique known as mirroring. For example, if your friend is excitedly telling you about a new job she got, doing a little dance, you might join in her dance to show your own excitement. It creates a subtle connection that draws you closer to the person speaking. That’s influence. 

3. Notice when your mind wanders

It’s all too easy to let your attention stray when someone else is talking. You can use listening mantras, as I share in “The Mentally Strong Leader.” When you catch yourself drifting, quietly say to yourself:

• “Don’t zone out, zone in.”
• “Be mindful, not mind full.”
• “Run your mind — don’t let it run you.” 

When your spouse is telling you about their day, for example, and you catch your attention drifting, don’t get mad at yourself. Acknowledge you’ve mentally wandered and say to yourself, “Don’t zone out, zone in,” to remind yourself to lock into what your spouse is saying.

Don’t dwell on the mistake. Instead, accept it and quickly recover by pulling yourself right back into the conversation.  

Written by:  Scott Mautz, a popular speaker, trainer, and LinkedIn Learning instructor, for CNBC.com.